Helping Smart Women Make Smart Choices

2012-01-03T01:34:00.000-08:00

There are many benefits of psychotherapy. You can find clarity in confusion, peace during times of stress and anxiety, and hope when depressed and alone. These are just a few of the rewards of effective counseling.

A trusting, predictable and safe relationship with your therapist is key to mastering the challenges of therapy and maintaining long-lasting, positive changes. In many ways, the relationship is similar to a trusted mentor, or a healthy, stable parent or friend. However, as good intentioned as these people can be, they may be biased. A therapist's job is to be neutral (except in cases involving violence to self or others, etc.) and to help you find your way.
As much as a therapist may try to 'get it all right', shortcomings may happen, such as:
-Making a scheduling error
-Running over one appointment time into the next
-Not giving adequate notice of a vacation
-Getting a cold, flu or other illness that results in having to reschedule
-Having an emergency and needing to cancel
-Forgetting a detail that's important to you

If you are upset that these or other issues have impacted your therapy, talk to your therapist. Good therapists are not perfect. Instead, they use their imperfections as a means of showing their humanity, their commitment to righting a wrong, etc. For example, if I have to cancel an appointment without 24 hours notice, for any reason, my clients get their next appointment free of charge. This way, I am taking care of myself by attending to the issue at hand and am also honoring the client's time and efforts.

Clients sometimes "realize" that therapists are not super-humans and are fallible. The element that is different about a therapeutic relationship is that 'upsets' can be processed and repaired.

Think about this---were your wants and needs ever ignored? Have you been 'stood up' in the past and felt that no one seemed to care? When people cancel or reschedule, do you feel rejected, or that it somehow has something to do with you? If so, these are old pains and will 'show up', one way or another, in therapy. The good news is, you can heal the hurt by working it through in your relationship with your therapist.

If your therapist was 'perfect', you wouldn't have the real opportunity to work through hurts and disappointments. It's during the times when you see (aha!) your therapist as he/she truly is....a human being like the rest of us....that these emotions and experiences are reenacted and are then able to be repaired.

However, if you abruptly stop therapy you may be doing yourself an injustice (because healing is usually just around the corner). It's not during the times when we feel good that change comes. It is usually when uncomfortable emotions arise. This is the gift of therapy. This is when the true healing occurs.

So, what do you do if you are upset at your therapist (for whatever reason)? Let her know. Don't feel that you have to apologize for feeling a certain way. She'll probably thank you for letting her know. (We don't always know!) And, this time, it will be different because your feelings will be honored, you won't be ridiculed, made fun of, discounted, or blamed. You'll be heard. And, you'll be attended to.

It may take a few minutes, a few sessions, or a few months, depending on how long the issue has been in your life. For example, if you feel that "everyone leaves me anyway, so you will, too", you've believed this for quite some time. A good therapist understands this and takes her time in pacing the sessions, uncovering the original hurts, and helping you heal.

So, at one time or another, you may be upset with your therapist. Or, maybe not. Either way, it's okay to talk about it and to work it through. If you don't bring it up, it may cause you to hold back and not speak freely and honestly. There are endless benefits of letting her know how you feel. If your therapist is not willing to listen to you or is not accepting responsibility, perhaps you need to speak with a therapist who will understand and care.

Speaking up takes courage. I recommend it, but, in the end, you decide. You might just be thankful you did. In the meantime, take care of yourself.

Stop lecturing me! (and other talks gone awry...)

2011-11-15T09:21:00.001-08:00

When conflicts arise in our relationships, it's easy to get caught up in the content ("You worked late every day this week, when you promised to start coming home early!").

Instead, try focusing on your process ("When you speak to me this way, I feel like I'm being lectured. When this happens, I can't really hear you or understand your intent.")

Try staying in "the process" and see what happens. If your partner isn't open to this, a therapist can help bridge the communication gap so you can better understand each other.

It's difficult to problem-solve without understanding. And... who doesn't want to be understood?

Hot buttons and triggers

2011-10-22T17:11:00.000-07:00

Hot buttons...we all have them. They come in the form of words, ideas, subjects and issues that elicit highly emotional, negative reactions in us. (Example: His mother-in-law knows what buttons to push to create drama at family get-togethers.) Hot buttons are also referred to as 'triggers'. (That off-colored joke triggered anger in the audience.)

In close, intimate relationships we are the most vulnerable to being 'triggered' by our partner's remarks, especially if they know 'what buttons to push'. If one spouse wants together time, and the other announces, "I'm going to hang out with my friends at the bar tonight", then the act or even mention of going to a bar, and spending time with friends, instead of being with the spouse, can cause a trigger reaction of anger, envy and resentment.

Trigger reactions and hot buttons stem from unresolved pain in the past--- in your current or past relationship, or an event. Also, if your parent or primary caregiver was self-centered, and not reliable, you most likely experienced a lot of anxiety and dread growing up. As a child, you did not have the power to mold your parents' behavior. However, as an adult, you may expect your partner to behave like you want them to. Then, when they act in ways that remind you (on a conscious or unconscious level) of what you have lived through in the past, negative feelings are triggered, and you have a strong emotional reaction, and jump to faulty conclusions.

These strong emotional reactions can lead to endless misunderstanding in your relationships. Your partner, spouse or friend sees your trigger response as an overreaction (which, it actually is), and may argue with you, ignore you, defend their choice, or withdraw from you. This then perpetuates your wound, and reinforces your trigger reaction.

So, when you feel yourself having a very strong reaction to something in the present, ask yourself--

Where did this come from?
Why am I *this* angry/hurt/offended?
Does this remind me of how I felt in the past?
What occurred then?
How and why does that past experience feel very similar to what occurred now?

If you felt rejected in the past, you may be feeling rejected or left out in the present.

If you feel rejected, what stories are you telling yourself?

Are you saying you're no good, not desirable, not lovable?
Or, are you not yet making the connection as to why you are reacting (and hurting) so strongly?

The deeper the past emotional wound, that has not been healed, the stronger our reactions will be. It is not completely our fault. It is human nature to need to feel safe. We want this in our relationships. When that safety feels threatened, we may lash out, or turn our anger inward, or self-medicate to numb the pain, with food, alcohol, drugs, overwork, sleep, etc.

So, try this:

Make a list of your personal triggers.
Then number them 1-10, 10 being the strongest trigger.
See which one you want to tackle first.
Then, list the barriers that keep you from letting go of the old pain.
List what you might be gaining by holding on to the past hurt. (We therapists call that "secondary gain".)

Are you ready to take the steps to process and let go of these hurts?

If not, why not? Why not give yourself more peace?

Think about it. Then, take the first step.

Time together--one wants space, the other doesn't

2011-10-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

"Together time"---finding that happy balance in intimate relationships can sometimes be a challenge...especially if you are wanting more time together...or needing more time apart. A test for couples is to get some of these needs met, in a healthy way, outside of your relationship. For example, your partner or spouse should not be your sole support system. We need friends, confidantes, colleagues, and family. We need alone time, "me time", and togetherness.

So, what do we do when one wants more closeness, more "face time", with no distractions, and the other is "fine with the way things are"? This is when we notice "the problem"...or what we think is the problem. Her: "He works all day, is on his computer before dinner, watches tv or listens to music, etc., but doesn't include me. This stinks!" Him: "I've worked hard all day. I've busted my rear end to provide for us. Can't I get a break?"

The problem behind this problem is that one partner can be overworking him/herself, while the other is in a more caretaking and waiting on the relationship mode. So, we end up with the "pursuer/distancer" relationship, not an ebb and flow.

Instead of focusing on what you're not getting from your partner, take an honest self-test: Do you have down-time for self-care? Are you spending quality time with friends or family? Does your work (that also includes parenting) provide you with a sense of purpose? Do you have hobbies (that you engage in on a regular basis?). If your answers were "no" to most or all of the questions, then the change would need to come from you. You are most likely counting on your partner to fill the void. That's not their job. It's yours.

What if you said "yes" to most or all of the questions? Then, I'd surmise that you have a couples' problem. But first, some questions for the distancer: Do you spend more hours at work than are absolutely needed? Are you paid overtime for the extra hours? Do you find your work draining/tiring? Do you have hobbies that you engage in? Do you have time for friends?

If you are spending more time with work, projects, "to-do's", and then escaping into email, computer games, tv, music, etc., are your priorities where you'd like them to be? What would "time alone" look like to you? Does the alone time energize you, or do things in your relationship stay the same?

These are just some of the questions you should ask yourself (and your partner can do the same) to help determine "what's really going on".

Don't try to "mind-read" or assume you know your partner's intentions. Instead, outline your needs, while honestly assessing if you are spending time with friends and hobbies, or, just looking at your partner to fill your needs.

Sometimes couples can stop this cycle with some tips (see above). Other times, they "get stuck" doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. That doesn't work.

If you would like more quality togetherness, or time alone (without feeling guilty), or tools on how to broaden your support system or hobbies, I'd be happy to help. You can reach me at (909) 260-2736 or email me at brenda@healandtrustagain.com. In the meantime, take care.

Affairs--Come clean and tell or not?

2009-08-19T14:51:00.000-07:00

After the affair--to tell or not to tell. There's no right or wrong answer. (Don't listen to those who say there is. There isn't.)

That said, there are things to take into consideration:

1) What is your reason for wanting to tell your partner/spouse about the affair?

Is it to ease your conscience?
Are you feeling guilt-ridden?
Are you worried or concerned that s/he will find out?
Is the affair too much to contain (i.e. too big a secret to keep)?
Has a friend, family member or clergy advised you to do so?

Once you've answered the above questions, read on.

2) How will your relationship (honestly) improve if you tell?

Do you think you'll grow closer?
Do you think your partner will realize that s/he has taken you for granted and will (now) change?
Do you imagine that disclosing the affair will improve your sex life/make you more desirable to your partner?

3) Let's look further at your intentions.

Are you wanting forgiveness?
Do you want to make amends?
Do you want your partner/spouse to help you "figure out why you had the affair"?
Are you wanting out of the relationship and believe that is a sure way that your spouse will leave you so you won't be blamed for the break up?

As you can see, there are a multitude of factors to consider when you are faced with the issue of disclosing an affair.

If you are struggling with any of the above, therapy can help you to find clarity during this confusing time. Although there is no right or wrong way--to tell or not tell--as each couple is different, we can discuss what led you there, what your unmet needs may be (as affairs are rarely about sex), and steps you can take to find out what might be in yours and your partner's best interests.

If you would like counseling with a skilled, experienced therapist, in a confidential setting, feel free to call me at (909) 260-2736, and I'd be happy to help.

~Brenda

5 Signs of Emotional Affairs & What To Do About Them

2008-08-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

There's a common misconception that 'affairs' or infidelity only involve physical contact. Not anymore! Therapists frequently refer to these intimate relationships as "emotional affairs". These are affairs of the heart, soul and spirit. They evolve from many possible scenarios---long hours spent together, shared work, shared interests and hobbies, emotional support, flattery, and NOT turning to the partner or spouse for the support needed. (What the partner who is having the emotional affair does not realize is that he/she is in a fantasy relationship.)

Here are 5 signs of an emotional affair:

1. Your partner or spouse has a closer, more intimate relationship with another individual (opposite sex for heterosexuals, same sex for gays or lesbians), becoming more involved as a confidante.

2. There's sexual chemistry between your partner and the friend. (An example would be that his face is flushed or her eyes light up when seeing this person.)

3. Sudden secrecy ----about time spent together, texting, emailing or time spent talking on the phone--- is kept from you. (You may start checking his/her cell phone records, emails, voice mails, text messages, bank account balances, purchases, odometer readings, etc.)

4. Your spouse or partner suddenly withdraws sexually or becomes hyper-sexual, as if you two are not really the ones connecting.

5. Your partner dismisses your concerns or becomes defensive---"we are only friends", "we only work together", "you're so insecure", "you're being paranoid", etc., and does not fully disclose details of the relationship or excludes you all together.

If you are experiencing one or more of these issues in your relationship, there may be an emotional affair. This is where therapy can help. We can try to uncover what is really going on in your relationship. Although this may be very difficult, therapy is most helpful when your partner is no longer engaging with the special friend. Our work together can help both of you through this process. This will take time. It took days, months, perhaps years for the relationship to get to this place. It takes a lot of commitment and effort to severe it.

Technology, easy access to others at home and in the workplace, can make people who already have insecurities, low self-esteem, addictions, self-centeredness, or personality issues very vulnerable to affairs.

This does not mean that your relationship is a lost cause. There is hope. I have helped many couples heal from the pain of emotional affairs. I'd like to help you, as well.

Feel free to call me for a brief consultation or to set an appointment at (909) 260-2736. You can also read more about my work and how I may be able to help you by reading my website at www.breacounseling.com.

In the meantime, take care.

Brenda

Why Blaming Drives You Further Apart

2008-08-08T23:09:00.000-07:00

You're at home. You're fighting the same fight. It's not being resolved. You blame your spouse or partner for your pain. He or she may be:

1. Having one or more physical affairs
2. Having 'emotional affairs'
3. Lying
4. Being secretive
5. Going to bars and strip clubs
6. Chatting online with a stranger for sexual gratification
7. Being financially irresponsible
8. Spending more time at work than at home
9. Neglecting you and your needs
10. Neglecting the children and their needs

Or, there may be other areas of concern where you place the blame onto your partner.

Wanting your partner or spouse to be honest, fess up, come clean, etc. makes sense. However, there is no guarantee that he/she will. But, we can try. If not, you can still be helped to process the pain and learn new tools to help you heal and move forward.

Part of the work in therapy will be to look at your history together, your interactions, the roles you may have played that weren't authentic, etc. Until you discover what you truly want and need, you'll stay stuck.

It is natural to want to blame, especially if you are feeling hurt, betrayed or humiliated. Rather than blaming, which is counterproductive to healing, we can work together to see what you truly want, how to better meet your needs, and how to live the life that feels true to you.

It is then that the offending partner is left to take responsibility and make efforts to change (or not). In the meantime, we can take care of you.

Blaming drives couples further apart. If your trust and faith in the other has been broken, the relationship may be able to heal. First, let's help you.

Feel free to call me at (909) 260-2736 for a free telephone consultation or to schedule an appointment. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 14 years of experience, I am equipped to help you through this.

In the meantime, take care.

Brenda

5 Steps To Break The Cycle Of Being Controlled By Others

2008-08-03T13:55:00.000-07:00

To break the cycle of control, and your giving in and being submissive (when you don't really want to be) you'll need to do the following:

1. Set and keep boundaries. Don't break them even once.

2. Don't allow yourself to be spoken to in a manner that makes you feel frightened, ashamed, less-than, or like you're a child.

3. Let your partner know that you are entitled to spending money for household, childcare and living expenses, as well as some affordable pampering for yourself. This can be done within your budget. And, your partner is entitled to it, as well. Let him/her know that you are grown and will not ask for an allowance.

4. Allow yourself time away from your partner. Time with friends allows you to be yourself, let off some steam, joke and catch up on each others' lives, and return home refreshed and eager to meet your partner. Let your mate know that the time away enhances your relationship rather than taking away from it. I've found that a day out with the girls is less threatening than a weekend getaway with them. The same goes for men. This way, each of you can have several hours of away time, yet come home replenished. Prolonged absences make the heart grow colder, not fonder!

5. Take these and other steps one at a time. Start with setting and holding clearer boundaries. Don't defend your position. Understand that a 'controlling partner' almost always has his/her insecurities, anxiety about what will happen if things aren't 'just right'. So, when you hear 'my way or the highway', don't take it personal. It's his/her problem. Take care of yourself, step by step.

I am happy to provide you with a free of charge phone consultation to see if we are a good fit for therapy. Whether together or alone, I may be able to help you break this painful cycle. Feel free to call me at (909) 260-2736.

Take care of yourself, hold firm boundaries, and have compassion for your partner who is trying to hold on for dear life.

Brenda

5 Tips To Help You When You're Angry

2008-08-03T13:29:00.000-07:00

You feel like screaming. Your heart is pounding. Curse words are racing through your head. You are really, really angry.

1. Stop what you are doing. If operating any type of machinery, carefully bring it to a stop. Tell yourself, "I'm going to be okay" over and over, while slowly breathing, until you feel more calm and centered.

2. Write it down. If anger is an ongoing issue for you, keep paper and pens handy. Write down exactly what happened (a kid in a white Toyota cut me off and scared the heck outta me, etc.). Then, write down what you did. (I let her go by. Cussed at her in my head. Fighting for my spot in traffic wasn't worth getting killed over.)

3. Say "ouch". Literally. It throws people off. "Ouch?" "Whaddya mean by that?" By saying this it puts the responsibility of the hurtful act on the other person, not you. But, you are taking care of yourself by admitting it hurt, you are angry, etc., just by saying "ouch". That is it. Then, if the offending party wants to talk about it, you can. But, just start with "ouch" and leave it at that. It usually works like a charm!

4. Walk away. You've probably heard this many times. Maybe because it works. Just walk away. If you are in a close or committed relationship, let your friend or partner know that this is what you will do in the future to take care of yourself (not to hurt them---this is about you). And tell them that when you are both calm, not blaming or finger pointing, and when you both feel safe enough, you can 'talk it out'.

5. Own it. No one can make us feel any way. No one is responsible for our anger. Their behaviors can be hurtful, provoking, etc. However, because of who we are and how we process the information, we decide, in milliseconds, whether we will be angry or not. It takes time to recognize this. But, you do have the control.

For more information, if you need assistance on these or other matters, please visit my website at www.breacounseling.com or call me for an appointment at (909) 260-2736.

In the meantime, take care.

Brenda

Are You Being Controlled By Others (Take This Test)

2008-07-22T01:31:00.000-07:00

A big complaint I hear among my clients, friends and people I meet in every day life is the issue of feeling controlled by another. The stress of feeling controlled can impact you in many places in your life. Today I'll focus on your relationships.

Do you feel controlled by your spouse or partner, boyfriend or girlfriend? Let's take a look and see:

1. Do you often wonder what his/her reaction will be before you make a decision?
2. Do you second-guess yourself because you're being undermined, criticized or corrected?
3. Do you eventually 'shut down' and 'give in' rather than insisting that your point of view be heard and taken seriously?
4. Do you tend to 'go along with things' to avoid conflicts with your partner?
5. Do you feel 'less than', ignorant, belittled, or depressed when interacting with your partner or spouse?
6. Do your friends or family see a change in you when you are with him/her?
7. Have you been told that "you used to be so much fun...more outgoing...now you just follow what he/she says".
8. Have you lost friends because your spouse or partner complained about or refused to let you see them?
9. Are you 'allowed' to have time away from the relationship and the kids...even if for only a few hours?
10. Do you feel pressured to call your mate and let him/her know where you're going, when you'll be back, etc.? Do you resent having to do it?
11. Does your partner call or text you if you are not home at an exact time?
12. Does your partner check your messages, cell phone, texts, email, etc. without your permission? Does it turn into an argument?
13. Do you have to ask for an allowance or spending money? Do you have to account for every dollar you spend?
14. Are you allowed to have credit in your name?
15. Do you feel undermined in parenting your kids?

If you answered yes to 2 or more of these questions, therapy may help. Issues of control and submission run deep. They don't just go away reading a 'how to' book, in my professional opinion and experience, because the books don't address the underlying issues that are creating the behaviors in the first place.

I'll get back to you on how to break the control/submission cycle. If you need immediate help, call me at (909) 260-2736, and I may be able to provide you with an appointment in my Brea office.

In the meantime, take care.

Brenda

15 Questions To Ask Yourself About Anger

2008-07-21T11:50:00.002-07:00

Since this blog is titled "That's Not What I Meant To Say", I think it's about time I wrote about how to identify how you come across when angry.

Here's 15 Questions To Ask Yourself:

1. Do you express anger in a way that overwhelms you and others?
2. Do you raise your voice?
3. Do you use an impatient tone?
4. Do you use dark humor, sarcasm or ridicule?
5. Do others tell you "Your comment really hurt/scared me", etc.?
6. Do you walk away/storm out when people are speaking to you?
7. Do you get angry more often than most people you know?
8. Do you get angrier than is necessary?
9. Do you use threatening language or gestures?
10. Do you hit, throw or kick things, people or animals when you're angry?
11. Do you stay angry, going over and over the incident in your head?
12. Do you hide angry feelings from others or try to suppress your feelings?
13. Do you use alcohol, drugs, work or sex to calm yourself?
14. Do you get muscle tension or a racing heart when you're angry?
15. Does expressing your anger usually leave you feeling worse about yourself or
your partner/spouse or friends/family?

Take a moment to print this out or review the list as is. Without any judgment or self-criticism, answer each question honestly, with just a yes or no. If you have more than 2 yesses, (or if others say they are frightened or intimidated by you), perhaps counseling can help.

I'm happy to provide you with a no-cost, brief phone consultation (at 909-260-2736) if you are in a neighboring area. Also, you can check out my website at http://www.breacounseling.com.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and your relationships. You'll be proud of yourself. And, your family and friends will respect you for it.

Brenda

Don't Wait To Share How You Feel

2008-07-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

You've probably heard the terms, 'timing is everything', or, 'it's all in the delivery'. Maybe. I used to think so.

For those of us who wait for 'the time to be just right', we may miss the opportunity to tell those who mean so much to us how we really feel, ask a question, get an update, or to see how they are doing.

We might tell ourselves, they're busy, I don't want to be a bother. Maybe I'll sneak a question in if I hear from him/her.

If we want to know, ask. If we miss someone, tell him.

Don't let habits that you learned when you were young (staying silent, waiting to be invited, not rocking the boat, etc.) keep you from asking for what you need or sharing how you feel.

Think of a friend that is a 'mainstay' in your life. Can you imagine that person not being there for you? Well, things may change. Let him know how important he is to you....now. Tell him how grateful you are that he is in your life and how much you'd like to keep it that way.

So, don't wait to share how you feel. Not just with your spouse or partner. With all of those that matter to you.

I've already started. If I can, so can you!

Take care of yourself and your relationships.

Brenda

How To Find A Therapist That's Right For You

2008-07-20T11:56:00.000-07:00

The mere thought of going to therapy evokes many reactions. Some think, "cool, I can't wait to go! I have a lot to get off my chest!" Or, "Finally I'll have someone who will actually listen to and help me." Further, some need to vent, and can't wait for their 50 minutes (or longer) that's all their own. No kids. No calls. Just their time.

If you or a loved one is looking for a therapist, look carefully over the checklist below. If you are already in therapy, consider going over the list with your therapist as a way to evaluate your progress. Remember, there is a dangerously wide range of psychotherapists in practice. While many are competent and ethical, many more are injured people who enter the profession for the wrong reasons.

Be sure that 21 of the 22 items are checked.

If not, engaging this particular therapist may be costly to your pocketbook and hazardous to your mental health.

Checklist for Choosing a Therapist

1. Seems warm and accepting. Has a sense of humor, however willing to challenge you when necessary.

2. Is emotionally healthy. Seems to feel at ease with himself/herself. Does not seem anxious, arrogant or depressed.

3. Does not suffer from a God complex. Decent, respectful, not condescending. Neither shows off, belittles nor demeans. Check walls for over-abundance or certificates, awards or prizes. Check for excess of jewelry, silver, or gold.

4. Is trained in talk therapy, not just in "pill therapy. " Watch out for someone who offers medication (e.g., Prozac) as the solution to your problems.

5. Accepts and encourages the idea that clients are entitled to shop around for a therapist before they commit. Is willing to talk to you on the phone for at least 10 minutes so you can interview him/her thoroughly.

6. Accepts the idea that consultation or second opinions may be helpful in the course of therapy.

7. Lets you explain your problems, doesn't tell you what they are prematurely or try to fit you into a standardized box (e.g., co-dependent, you have been molested, etc).

8. Is active and engaged. Quit right away if the therapist avoids discussions, does not answer most questions, or pretends to be a "blank wall. " Successful therapy needs ongoing dialogue and authentic relationships.

9. Has more than one clinical orientation and promises to fit his/her approach to your specific problems and not impose his/her pet approach on all patients.

10. Is flexible in terms of what is appropriate and helpful. Contrary to common practice, some clients can benefit from a walk in the park or a home visit; and a touch still has more healing power than volumes of words.

11. Is not rigid or paranoid about seeing you or engaging with you in the community. Accepts that you may bump into each other during religious services, your children's school or on the basketball court. Does not hide behind the professional persona.

12. Presents you with clear office policies, including limits of confidentiality, clients' rights, etc. Read the contract carefully before you sign.

13. Talks to you on the phone in between sessions if necessary.

14. While flexible in many ways, still maintains clear and healthy boundaries. No hugging unless you initiate it, no sexual innuendo, no business offers.

15. Seems professional, knowledgeable, and an expert (writer, teacher, supervisor) and above all competent, human and experienced.

16. Communicates well with parents when treating children and adolescents. A delicate balance must be reached between respecting adolescents' privacy and not keeping parents in the dark.

17. Does not focus exclusively on your childhood or inner life. Make sure that the effects of real-life pressures, such as long commute, children or harassing boss, are dealt with.

18. Shares your basic moral and political values but does not work hard to prove to you how much they are like you (e.g., "I was molested too "). It's okay to ask about the therapist's values.

19. Is flexible about who can be part of therapy. At times, it is helpful to bring your friend/lover, child, or parent with you to therapy.

20. Conducts regular evaluations of progress in therapy, including discussion of treatment plans. Listens to your assessment of what is helpful and what is not during the course of therapy.

21. Takes responsibility for not being effective when therapy does not progress over time. When therapy has not yielded any significant results for a long time, neither blames you nor continues to take your money.

22. Is willing to go over this list with you without being offended or defensive.

(*List provided with permission by the Zur Institute.)

If you are interested, feel free to check out my website at www.breacounseling.com or call me at (909) 260-2736. In the meantime, take good care of yourself.

Brenda

What To Do When You Are Upset With Your Therapist

2008-07-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

Making a scheduling error
Running over one appointment time into the next
Not giving adequate notice of a vacation
Getting a cold, flu or other illness that results in having to reschedule
Having an emergency and needing to cancel
Forgetting a detail that's important to you

If you are upset that these or other issues have impacted your therapy, talk to your therapist. Good therapists are not perfect. Instead, they use their imperfections as a means of showing their humanity, their commitment to righting a wrong, etc. For example, if I have to cancel an appointment without 24 hours notice, for any reason, my clients get their next appointment free of charge. This way, I am taking care of myself by attending to the issue at hand and am also honoring the client's time and efforts.

Clients sometimes "realize" that therapists are not super-humans and are fallible. The element that is different about a therapeutic relationship is that 'upsets' can be processed and repaired.

Think about this---were your wants and needs ever ignored? Have you been 'stood up' in the past and felt that no one seemed to care? When people cancel or reschedule, do you feel rejected, or that it somehow has something to do with you? If so, these are old pains and will 'show up', one way or another, in therapy. The good news is, you can heal the hurt by working it through in your relationship with your therapist.

If your therapist was 'perfect', you wouldn't have the real opportunity to work through hurts and disappointments. It's during the times when you see (aha!) your therapist as he/she truly is....a human being like the rest of us....that these emotions and experiences are reenacted and are then able to be repaired.

However, if you abruptly stop therapy you may be doing yourself an injustice (because healing is usually just around the corner). It's not during the times when we feel good that change comes. It is usually when uncomfortable emotions arise. This is the gift of therapy. This is when the true healing occurs.

So, what do you do if you are upset at your therapist (for whatever reason)? Let her know. Don't feel that you have to apologize for feeling a certain way. She'll probably thank you for letting her know. (We don't always know!) And, this time, it will be different because your feelings will be honored, you won't be ridiculed, made fun of, discounted, or blamed. You'll be heard. And, you'll be attended to.

It may take a few minutes, a few sessions, or a few months, depending on how long the issue has been in your life. For example, if you feel that "everyone leaves me anyway, so you will, too", you've believed this for quite some time. A good therapist understands this and takes her time in pacing the sessions, uncovering the original hurts, and helping you heal.

So, at one time or another, you may be upset with your therapist. Or, maybe not. Either way, it's okay to talk about it and to work it through. If you don't bring it up, it may cause you to hold back and not speak freely and honestly. There are endless benefits of letting her know how you feel. If your therapist is not willing to listen to you or is not accepting responsibility, perhaps you need to speak with a therapist who will understand and care.

Speaking up takes courage. I recommend it, but, in the end, you decide. You might just be thankful you did. In the meantime, take care of yourself.

Blessings,

Brenda

No Reply At All....When The People We Care About Don't Call Back

2008-05-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

Phil Collins and Genesis come to mind when I'm waiting to hear back. I want to say "hey, call me, already!" Just a text, an email, a call. Something. Ever feel that sense of, "is everything ok? I thought it was. But, I haven't heard back from you." Again. Again. Hey, again! Then 'the worries' creep in. And so do lyrics.

"Listen to me, you never listen to me,
Ooh, and it seems there's no way out,
I've been trying, but we cannot connect,
And there's no reply at all,
There's no reply at all,
There's no reply at all,
No reply at all."

What makes that reply so important for us? Why is waiting to hear back OK sometimes, but, at other times frustrating, worrisome, and hurtful? Why do we then either get upset at ourselves for being too sensitive or at our friends and loved ones for being insensitive?

Depending on who we are (our personalities), what our relationship is with the other person (if it's a mean boss--you might not care if he/she calls you, or, if it's someone you care a great deal about---you might feel like screaming---hey, call me!!!), it impacts our response to getting slow replies...and to getting "no reply at all".

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have learned over the years, in my own personal journey, and with those of my clients, that a lot of our reactions to not hearing back from someone stirs up old family or relationship issues.

Let's say that, while growing up, or as a young adult, you felt that you were valued one day and not the next. Or your friend or partner showered you with attention and then stopped. For those with histories of feeling abandoned, unwanted, or taken for granted, they have a special sensitivity to relationship 'slights'---an off the cuff remark, a change in tone of voice, and in not hearing back.

So, what do we do? Do we change the world to fit our needs? Do we hold it in and hope the others get the hint? Well, so far, I haven't found these reactions to be effective at all.

Try this. Tell your friends, partner, husband or wife about your sensitivity to not hearing back. The mature friends who are in it for the long haul will stop, listen, and let you know they'll do what it takes, especially by getting right back to you, even if to say, or text, Luv U TTYL, to keep your relationship on track.

Ask for what you need. You'll be surprised at how many people really do care.

Blessings,

Brenda

Sometimes....It's Never Too Late

2008-05-18T14:06:00.000-07:00

Last week I received a beautiful card from my mom that had the following inside:

Brenda,

If my love could be a fountain
You could drink from every day
To fill the empty spaces
And take the bad memories away

Then you'd see in the mirror
Definitely clearer
The gifts that others see in you
And finally know they're really true!

I'm sharing this with you, the reader, to offer up hope for the future, courage for reconciliation, patience with the unknown, clarity for confusion, and comfort and healing for a broken heart.

May today be a day that you take a deep breath, put your ego and need to know "how it's all gonna play out" aside, and ask your loved one, "Can you help me? I need your help in order to heal." You might be surprised at the answer.

You may hear, "yes, I'll do my best." And, your loved one might even go the extra mile to see you through.

You just need to try. Ask for help with your healing.

What do you have to lose?

Take care on your path of healing.

Blessings,

Brenda

Truthfulness and Honesty---Lost Treasures?

2008-05-10T09:46:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a great deal about truthfulness and honesty and how much they mean to us in our relationships. Truthfulness and honesty play into the concept of trust, or lack of, in relationships. As a Marriage and Family therapist, I hear many clients share that their "faith" or "trust" has been broken, and they don't know if they can (or want to) repair it.

Why is it that truth, honesty and trust are so crucial to successful relationships? And, why if trust is shaken or in doubt, do many want to end the relationship? How did the concept of trust begin to carry so much weight?

I think that deep intimacy, closeness, and the willingness to share and open our hearts to a loved one is risky. We risk being let down, rejected, wanting to leave, or fear being left. We base our choices on what we know, what we think we know, and sometimes, not knowing much. So, we search for truth and honesty to develop the trust we need to feel safe. But, it isn't always a smooth ride.

"I'm sick and tired of hearing things
From uptight, short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocritics
All I want is the truth
Just gimme some truth."
-John Lennon, Gimme Some Truth

"If you search for tenderness

it isn't hard to find.
You can have the love you need to live.
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind.
It always seems to be so hard to give.

I can always find someone
to say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don't want some pretty face
to tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe.

Honesty is such a lonely word
everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
but mostly what I need from you."
-Billy Joel, Honesty

Even if we believe that longing for honesty and truthfulness is ours alone, it really is more common than we think. We're not alone in the journey. There are many different ways that we can live in truth:

By giving others a reality check (this is something they can improve on)
By giving ourselves a reality check (this is something we need to work on)
By living in a manner where our actions are consistent with our words
By being transparent---having nothing to hide and no reason to hide it
By communicating as directly and clearly as possible
By keeping commitments
By owning our thoughts, feelings and actions

Truthfulness and honesty---are they lost treasures? Are they overrated? I don't think so. I grew up hearing, "honesty is the best policy" and see that it still rings true today. The more each person is committed to pursue truth, the more they will be able to develop the virtue of honesty. And, more than anything that attracts us to our partners, truthfulness, honesty and trust are the glues that hold relationships together.

Stay honest. You'll like yourself for it, and so will your loved ones.

Blessings,

Brenda

Sentence Finishers---They Don't Let Us Talk!!!

2008-04-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

Interrupting or "talking over" others can really irk people. Uh, like me for instance. But, enough about me.

Take couples, for example. Some cannot seem to tolerate letting their partners finish what they are saying without interrupting or completing the other's thought. I refer to these chronic interrupters as "sentence finishers".

For those who need to feel 'heard' and be engaged in conversation, "sentence finishers" can be the bane of their existence. A constant irritant, "sentence finishers" will say, "Oh, I thought you were finished", "I already knew what you were going to say", "I thought you made your point", etc. In reality, the SF (sentence finisher) really wants to share his or her view, thinks it's more important, or wants to wrap up the conversation. Regardless of the intent, the partner of the SF feels cut-off, slighted, ignored, and, well, angry, for not being able to finish.

We're social creatures who crave connection with one another. Since we communicate on verbal and non-verbal levels, SFs can shut down a conversation or create a flaring of emotions....even an argument, faster than the speed of light. Again, SFs appear to be surprised that interrupting and assuming they know what the other is about to say, etc. is harmless. The one who is talking, however, feels shut down and discounted by the SF, and the resentment builds.

Not being heard by SFs is such a common complaint by couples I counsel, I thought I'd write about it. Why are there so many SFs? What makes life so hurried and harried that we no longer have the time to finish our sentences, make our points, and truly feel heard?

Well, I'll share some thoughts. We live in a fast-paced culture that demands quick results. We have fast food, drive on the Fast Trak and in the fast lane. Even the first meal of the day is break-fast.

Do you recall how it felt the last time your internet connection slowed? Did it feel as if the seconds were ticking away like hours? How long did it take for you to feel tense, frustrated, even angry?

We have grown accustomed to getting in and getting out. The microwave, high-speed internet, DVR and Tivo, frozen dinners, instant coffee, were, for all intents and purposes, designed to make our lives easier, more convenient, so we could get on with the important things in life. I wonder if, over time, we have forgotten about what really matters....connecting with each other. Remember, we are social creatures.

We email, IM, and text, sometimes across the table from one another. Some families text during dinner, as if their friends or work couldn't possibly wait until they were finished. Alternately, the family members are feeling more connected with their friends and colleagues than with each other. This is where I bring it back to the SFs.

If the SFs see life as a marathon to run instead of a place to live and be in, they will view others as taking their time, bugging them, being too needy. Hurry it up, they think. Or, they nod without any real clue as to what is being said.

This may seem minor, but, it's not. The resentment can build to where the partner feels lost and alone. They may turn to food, alcohol, drugs or sex. And, extramarital affairs are rarely about sex. They are more often about feeling heard, listened to, validated, needed, and feeling, well, interesting to the other. You might think, hey, this is a big leap from being an SF to losing a partner. Maybe. But, constantly cutting the loved one off in thought and speech slowly erodes the ties that bind.

It doesn't have to be this way. SFs and their partners can take a step back, reevaluate their priorities and schedules, and place stock in what is really important---their relationship. SFs may fumble here and there. They are, as the saying goes, only human.

So, when you are feeling unheard, ask your SF to turn off the t.v., step away from the computer, let the cleaning go for another day, and.... play. Take a crisp sheet and soft pillows and head outdoors. Lay together and watch the stars. Pick out the constellations. Was that the Little or Big Dipper? Feel the cool evening air. Smell the jasmine in the distance.

Time slows when we step away from technology and all that it has to offer. Take a walk, hold hands, be grateful for what you have and for this day. Your SF will thank you for it. And, you'll worry less about finishing your sentences and feel more gratitude for being with the person of your dreams.

Take care of yourself and your relationships. Everything else will fall in place.

Blessings,

Brenda

"You Just Don't Love Me Anymore!" What Women Really Mean

2008-04-20T14:10:00.002-07:00

Many men are perplexed when they hear their wives or girlfriends
say, "you just don't love me anymore."  Some are men are really
blindsided by this.  WHAT???

What many women mean by "you just don't love me anymore" is
that they believe their partner is no longer interested in them, their
wants and needs.  They don't feel special or attended to.
They feel taken for granted.

For couples who have (knowingly or not) 'slipped into a rut',
here are some tips MEN can try:

Show up unexpectedly at her job. Her co-workers will be envious.

Take her to an impromptu picnic. Don't bring your phone. (We saw Pretty Woman.)

Run her a huge bubble bath, with lots of bubbles, and a few lit candles.

Place ONE piece of her favorite chocolate on her pillow. Only one!

Get up and greet her when she walks in the door. Carry her bags.

Open and close the car for her.

Always have her go first.

Walk beside (not ahead or behind) her.

Initiate a massage that is just for her.

Have her favorite music playing when she arrives.

Relationships aren't as difficult as we make them. And, we can turn them around. Often, a small, caring gesture goes a long way. We've known this for years. And, men, we want you to hear us. We know how happy you want us to be.

So, when we say, "you just don't love me anymore", we really mean, pay attention, treat me as the special woman you know me to be. We, in turn, will shine. And your buddies will wonder about the smile on your face. We'll keep it between us.

Blessings,

Brenda

"It's nothing...I'm fine." Men and depression

2008-04-08T19:08:00.000-07:00

As a therapist, I am trained to recognize and identify signs and symptoms of clinical depression:

Feelings of profound sadness or emptiness for most of each day
Sudden increased feelings of anxiety or dread
Difficulty concentrating, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
Feelings of worthlessness, or excessive, inappropriate guilt
Severe restlessness (brought on by agitation)
Weight loss (not related to dieting)
Insomnia (or oversleeping)
Fatigue, or loss of energy, nearly every day
Recurrent thoughts of death

Men often have "hidden depression". Why is this, and how is it difficult to detect? Most are raised to be competitive, physically and emotionally 'strong', and successful. As boys, they are criticized if they are 'whiners' and not self-sufficient. So, they learn that asking for help is 'weak', and relying on themselves is 'strong'. This is where the problem lies. Men who are depressed need outside help, but to do so feels devastating.

So, how do depressed men get the help they need if asking for it makes them feel weak, embarrassed, or, worse, out of control? That's a tough one. As women, we tend to ask, "Is something wrong?" "Are you upset?" "You seem down. Is everything OK?" We worry that he'll say, "It's nothing...I'm fine." If we persist, we worry we might be nagging, overstepping our boundaries, and not giving them their space. If we don't ask, we worry about being cold and uncaring. So, what is a wife or girlfriend to do when we sense that something is very wrong, but are told, "It's nothing....I'm fine?"

First, it's important to know that men's signs and symptoms of depression can differ from women's in several ways. Their depression may reveal itself like this:

His boss or coworkers might call him on mistakes or 'not staying on top of things' at work
He may be more distant, in his own world, caught up in his thoughts
He may be unusually quiet, unable to talk with others or tolerate differences
He may be more agitated, losing his temper at you, the kids, or co-workers
He may complain of physical problems like headaches, backaches, etc.
He may develop high blood pressure
He may forget or lose interest in his daily routines
He may complain of being exhausted, or being "tired of it all"
He may no longer attend to his personal hygiene, for instance, not showering and shaving, or wearing the same clothes every day
He may begin smoking or consuming (more) alcohol, spend long hours on the computer, watching t.v., or sleeping
He may seek comfort in another woman

These signs and symptoms are not universal for all men. But, based on my clinical experience, if gone unattended, depressed men can easily "fall through the cracks" in getting the care they need.

It can be very difficult for men to ask for help. So, part of our job is recognizing depression's warning signs, not pushing or nagging men to seek treatment or therapy, asking if they would be open to reading information, such as this blog, or other valuable information. Let your man know that you will be by his side, through thick and thin, and that you will keep the issues between the two of you. Don't share this with your girlfriends, his friends or family. This will only push him farther away and deeper into his depression. Trust is key. Allow him to be in charge of his emotional and physical health.

In the meantime, it's important to attend to your needs. Living with someone who is depressed can be very difficult, especially if your partner is hesitant or refuses to get help, or does not believe he needs help. As their loved ones, we can offer support, gentle guidance, and information. For you, supportive therapy is crucial.

I highly recommend the book "What To Do When Someone You Love Is Depressed" by Mitch and Susan Golant. For the man in your life, I recommend reading "I Don't Want To Talk About It" by Terrence Real.

Depression is highly treatable, often without medication. There is hope. This, too, shall pass. So, be informed, stay connected, don't give up, and, most of all, take care of yourself.

Blessings,

Brenda

How losing our egos saves our relationships

2008-03-27T13:44:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard that expression, "It's better to lose the battle and win the war?" I rephrase the question in my work with couples: "Which is more important to you---winning this argument, or saving your relationship"? Oftentimes couples get so caught up in 'being right', wanting to have the upper hand, and winning the argument, that they lose sight of the bigger picture---their relationship.

Why do couples do this? What creates this ongoing dynamic? I believe that there are many factors. However, the most important one is the ego. We all have one. And, we all cling to it.

The compulsive nature of thinking, analyzing, defending against others, and finding the 'truth', keeps us entrenched in the mind and out of spirit. When we 'surrender' the need to know, to be right, etc., we are free to be in a state of 'going with the flow', to live in acceptance.

Now if we take the principal of setting the ego aside, and dwell in 'allowing for', 'accepting' and not analyzing, thinking or judging, what would our interactions look/feel like? In my experience, I have found that letting go of the ego creates calm, removes fear, and opens us up to just 'be'.

Will you set your ego aside to help save your relationships? Before you say, "yes", know that it is not a simple task. But, it's very doable! Imagine giving up the need to control others, to push your opinion or point of view, to sit back and think, "hey, maybe she/he does have a point! I want to make this a win-win. Let me think of how we can do this."

Once you allow yourself to not think of right vs wrong, my way or the highway, realize that there are many possible answers and solutions. Once you embrace this concept, it frees you from the stress of constant conflict. Practice being open to your partner's (and other's) opinions. You'll feel less stressed, more curious, and better about yourself. And, your partner just might thank you for it. Most importantly, though, thank yourself.

Blessings,

Brenda

Kids DO Understand!

2008-01-30T20:52:00.000-08:00

What parents say and how they say it impacts their kids. The thoughts of "they don't really understand", or, "they are young, they will grow out of it".... are far from the truth. In reality, the words from the most important people in their lives (their parents) have a huge impact. Kids look to their parents for validation, support, assurance and guidance.

I counsel adults, who, in their 50's, 60's and 70's still recall, as if it were yesterday, hurtful comments their parents made about them. No matter how successful they may feel in all aspects of their lives, the one element they cannot master is comprehending why their parents didn't like them. Because, as little kids, we believe we are the cause of our parents' problems. Unless we are told otherwise, we continue to have this belief into adulthood.

Kids DO understand. And, they remember.

So, what can we do to break the cycle of making children feel responsible for our issues?

1. Be honest. Let your kids know that you are not mad at them, you just had a bad day.
2. Provide reassurance. If you and your spouse/partner are at odds, let your children know that you love them and will take care of the problem. Keep them on their schedules.
3. Call your children by their names. Don't say, "Come get your son."
4. Don't use sarcasm. Although kids might not understand the comment, they 'get' the underlying anger. And, they blame themselves.
5. Find a healthy outlet for your anger. Never let your kids be the target. This includes not ridiculing them for forgetting a project, complaining about homework, etc.
6. Model to your kids how to manage their frustration. If you curse and yell at other drivers, swat the dog with a newspaper, or kick the door, you will either raise kids that are angry or frightened. They shouldn't pay the price for your frustration.
7. Allow yourself some downtime away from the kids. This way, when you are together, you are not resentful and are happier to see them.
8. Pick your battles wisely. When you argue about everything, you argue about nothing.
9. Model by doing, teaching and persuading. Ordering kids around raises little soldiers, not well-balanced children.
10. Apologize. It's okay. You won't 'look weak'. You'll be modeling compassion.

So, watch your words, as your children are listening....even if you swear they are not. And, they DO understand.

Enjoy and nurture your children. They are gifts to you. You are blessed to be part of their lives.

Blessings,

Brenda

The Power of Words

2008-01-06T12:25:00.000-08:00

As I put pen to paper, or should I say, fingertips to keyboard, I pondered a prospective theme for my blog that would ring true for myself and, hopefully, for others. Of all the topics I thought I might address, one that comes to mind, and seems to impact most of us, is the power of words. Words. We impress ourselves and others with big ones. We spend minutes, or sometimes much longer, to find the right one. Or, we toss them out and hope that a good one sticks. Each of us, over the years, has either made an effort to hone, or ignore, the mastery of words.

How many times have you felt, 'ouch, that really hurt', after someone made an insensitive, ill-planned, or gruff, off-the-cuff comment? Or, conversely, have you ever delivered what you were convinced was a great one-liner, only to be met with blank stares?

Words have power. They can stir passion, persuade, encourage, and bring hope. They can also wound, create misunderstandings, make us cry, and incite wars. How many times have we heard a child (or adult) say, "What? All I said was...." in complete disbelief that words can hurt. It is during these windows of opportunity that we can open our minds to the power words hold.

So, before you make a jab, sarcastic barb, or defensive remark, take a step back. Breathe. Think about what you are going to say before you say it. Choose your words wisely. If you can't find the 'right words' to express yourself, let the other person know that you will get back to him or her when you have collected your thoughts.

You don't have to be perfect. Just be you.

Blessings,

Brenda