Sentence Finishers---They Don't Let Us Talk!!!

Interrupting or "talking over" others can really irk people. Uh, like me for instance. But, enough about me.

Take couples, for example. Some cannot seem to tolerate letting their partners finish what they are saying without interrupting or completing the other's thought. I refer to these chronic interrupters as "sentence finishers".

For those who need to feel 'heard' and be engaged in conversation, "sentence finishers" can be the bane of their existence. A constant irritant, "sentence finishers" will say, "Oh, I thought you were finished", "I already knew what you were going to say", "I thought you made your point", etc. In reality, the SF (sentence finisher) really wants to share his or her view, thinks it's more important, or wants to wrap up the conversation. Regardless of the intent, the partner of the SF feels cut-off, slighted, ignored, and, well, angry, for not being able to finish.

We're social creatures who crave connection with one another. Since we communicate on verbal and non-verbal levels, SFs can shut down a conversation or create a flaring of emotions....even an argument, faster than the speed of light. Again, SFs appear to be surprised that interrupting and assuming they know what the other is about to say, etc. is harmless. The one who is talking, however, feels shut down and discounted by the SF, and the resentment builds.

Not being heard by SFs is such a common complaint by couples I counsel, I thought I'd write about it. Why are there so many SFs? What makes life so hurried and harried that we no longer have the time to finish our sentences, make our points, and truly feel heard?

Well, I'll share some thoughts. We live in a fast-paced culture that demands quick results. We have fast food, drive on the Fast Trak and in the fast lane. Even the first meal of the day is break-fast.

Do you recall how it felt the last time your internet connection slowed? Did it feel as if the seconds were ticking away like hours? How long did it take for you to feel tense, frustrated, even angry?

We have grown accustomed to getting in and getting out. The microwave, high-speed internet, DVR and Tivo, frozen dinners, instant coffee, were, for all intents and purposes, designed to make our lives easier, more convenient, so we could get on with the important things in life. I wonder if, over time, we have forgotten about what really matters....connecting with each other. Remember, we are social creatures.

We email, IM, and text, sometimes across the table from one another. Some families text during dinner, as if their friends or work couldn't possibly wait until they were finished. Alternately, the family members are feeling more connected with their friends and colleagues than with each other. This is where I bring it back to the SFs.

If the SFs see life as a marathon to run instead of a place to live and be in, they will view others as taking their time, bugging them, being too needy. Hurry it up, they think. Or, they nod without any real clue as to what is being said.

This may seem minor, but, it's not. The resentment can build to where the partner feels lost and alone. They may turn to food, alcohol, drugs or sex. And, extramarital affairs are rarely about sex. They are more often about feeling heard, listened to, validated, needed, and feeling, well, interesting to the other. You might think, hey, this is a big leap from being an SF to losing a partner. Maybe. But, constantly cutting the loved one off in thought and speech slowly erodes the ties that bind.

It doesn't have to be this way. SFs and their partners can take a step back, reevaluate their priorities and schedules, and place stock in what is really important---their relationship. SFs may fumble here and there. They are, as the saying goes, only human.

So, when you are feeling unheard, ask your SF to turn off the t.v., step away from the computer, let the cleaning go for another day, and.... play. Take a crisp sheet and soft pillows and head outdoors. Lay together and watch the stars. Pick out the constellations. Was that the Little or Big Dipper? Feel the cool evening air. Smell the jasmine in the distance.

Time slows when we step away from technology and all that it has to offer. Take a walk, hold hands, be grateful for what you have and for this day. Your SF will thank you for it. And, you'll worry less about finishing your sentences and feel more gratitude for being with the person of your dreams.

Take care of yourself and your relationships. Everything else will fall in place.

Blessings,


Brenda