Affairs--Come clean and tell or not?

After the affair--to tell or not to tell. There's no right or wrong answer. (Don't listen to those who say there is. There isn't.)

That said, there are things to take into consideration:

1) What is your reason for wanting to tell your partner/spouse about the affair?

Is it to ease your conscience?
Are you feeling guilt-ridden?
Are you worried or concerned that s/he will find out?
Is the affair too much to contain (i.e. too big a secret to keep)?
Has a friend, family member or clergy advised you to do so?

Once you've answered the above questions, read on.

2) How will your relationship (honestly) improve if you tell?

Do you think you'll grow closer?
Do you think your partner will realize that s/he has taken you for granted and will (now) change?
Do you imagine that disclosing the affair will improve your sex life/make you more desirable to your partner?

3) Let's look further at your intentions.

Are you wanting forgiveness?
Do you want to make amends?
Do you want your partner/spouse to help you "figure out why you had the affair"?
Are you wanting out of the relationship and believe that is a sure way that your spouse will leave you so you won't be blamed for the break up?

As you can see, there are a multitude of factors to consider when you are faced with the issue of disclosing an affair.

If you are struggling with any of the above, therapy can help you to find clarity during this confusing time. Although there is no right or wrong way--to tell or not tell--as each couple is different, we can discuss what led you there, what your unmet needs may be (as affairs are rarely about sex), and steps you can take to find out what might be in yours and your partner's best interests.

If you would like counseling with a skilled, experienced therapist, in a confidential setting, feel free to call me at (909) 260-2736, and I'd be happy to help.

~Brenda

5 Signs of Emotional Affairs & What To Do About Them

There's a common misconception that 'affairs' or infidelity only involve physical contact. Not anymore! Therapists frequently refer to these intimate relationships as "emotional affairs". These are affairs of the heart, soul and spirit. They evolve from many possible scenarios---long hours spent together, shared work, shared interests and hobbies, emotional support, flattery, and NOT turning to the partner or spouse for the support needed. (What the partner who is having the emotional affair does not realize is that he/she is in a fantasy relationship.)

Here are 5 signs of an emotional affair:

1. Your partner or spouse has a closer, more intimate relationship with another individual (opposite sex for heterosexuals, same sex for gays or lesbians), becoming more involved as a confidante.

2. There's sexual chemistry between your partner and the friend. (An example would be that his face is flushed or her eyes light up when seeing this person.)

3. Sudden secrecy ----about time spent together, texting, emailing or time spent talking on the phone--- is kept from you. (You may start checking his/her cell phone records, emails, voice mails, text messages, bank account balances, purchases, odometer readings, etc.)

4. Your spouse or partner suddenly withdraws sexually or becomes hyper-sexual, as if you two are not really the ones connecting.

5. Your partner dismisses your concerns or becomes defensive---"we are only friends", "we only work together", "you're so insecure", "you're being paranoid", etc., and does not fully disclose details of the relationship or excludes you all together.

If you are experiencing one or more of these issues in your relationship, there may be an emotional affair. This is where therapy can help. We can try to uncover what is really going on in your relationship. Although this may be very difficult, therapy is most helpful when your partner is no longer engaging with the special friend. Our work together can help both of you through this process. This will take time. It took days, months, perhaps years for the relationship to get to this place. It takes a lot of commitment and effort to severe it.

Technology, easy access to others at home and in the workplace, can make people who already have insecurities, low self-esteem, addictions, self-centeredness, or personality issues very vulnerable to affairs.

This does not mean that your relationship is a lost cause. There is hope. I have helped many couples heal from the pain of emotional affairs. I'd like to help you, as well.

Feel free to call me for a brief consultation or to set an appointment at (909) 260-2736. You can also read more about my work and how I may be able to help you by reading my website at www.breacounseling.com.

In the meantime, take care.

Brenda

Why Blaming Drives You Further Apart

You're at home. You're fighting the same fight. It's not being resolved. You blame your spouse or partner for your pain. He or she may be:

1. Having one or more physical affairs
2. Having 'emotional affairs'
3. Lying
4. Being secretive
5. Going to bars and strip clubs
6. Chatting online with a stranger for sexual gratification
7. Being financially irresponsible
8. Spending more time at work than at home
9. Neglecting you and your needs
10. Neglecting the children and their needs

Or, there may be other areas of concern where you place the blame onto your partner.

Wanting your partner or spouse to be honest, fess up, come clean, etc. makes sense. However, there is no guarantee that he/she will. But, we can try. If not, you can still be helped to process the pain and learn new tools to help you heal and move forward.

Part of the work in therapy will be to look at your history together, your interactions, the roles you may have played that weren't authentic, etc. Until you discover what you truly want and need, you'll stay stuck.

It is natural to want to blame, especially if you are feeling hurt, betrayed or humiliated. Rather than blaming, which is counterproductive to healing, we can work together to see what you truly want, how to better meet your needs, and how to live the life that feels true to you.

It is then that the offending partner is left to take responsibility and make efforts to change (or not). In the meantime, we can take care of you.

Blaming drives couples further apart. If your trust and faith in the other has been broken, the relationship may be able to heal. First, let's help you.

Feel free to call me at (909) 260-2736 for a free telephone consultation or to schedule an appointment. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 14 years of experience, I am equipped to help you through this.

In the meantime, take care.

Brenda

5 Steps To Break The Cycle Of Being Controlled By Others

To break the cycle of control, and your giving in and being submissive (when you don't really want to be) you'll need to do the following:

1. Set and keep boundaries. Don't break them even once.

2. Don't allow yourself to be spoken to in a manner that makes you feel frightened, ashamed, less-than, or like you're a child.

3. Let your partner know that you are entitled to spending money for household, childcare and living expenses, as well as some affordable pampering for yourself. This can be done within your budget. And, your partner is entitled to it, as well. Let him/her know that you are grown and will not ask for an allowance.

4. Allow yourself time away from your partner. Time with friends allows you to be yourself, let off some steam, joke and catch up on each others' lives, and return home refreshed and eager to meet your partner. Let your mate know that the time away enhances your relationship rather than taking away from it. I've found that a day out with the girls is less threatening than a weekend getaway with them. The same goes for men. This way, each of you can have several hours of away time, yet come home replenished. Prolonged absences make the heart grow colder, not fonder!

5. Take these and other steps one at a time. Start with setting and holding clearer boundaries. Don't defend your position. Understand that a 'controlling partner' almost always has his/her insecurities, anxiety about what will happen if things aren't 'just right'. So, when you hear 'my way or the highway', don't take it personal. It's his/her problem. Take care of yourself, step by step.

I am happy to provide you with a free of charge phone consultation to see if we are a good fit for therapy. Whether together or alone, I may be able to help you break this painful cycle. Feel free to call me at (909) 260-2736.

Take care of yourself, hold firm boundaries, and have compassion for your partner who is trying to hold on for dear life.

Brenda

5 Tips To Help You When You're Angry

You feel like screaming. Your heart is pounding. Curse words are racing through your head. You are really, really angry.

1. Stop what you are doing. If operating any type of machinery, carefully bring it to a stop. Tell yourself, "I'm going to be okay" over and over, while slowly breathing, until you feel more calm and centered.

2. Write it down. If anger is an ongoing issue for you, keep paper and pens handy. Write down exactly what happened (a kid in a white Toyota cut me off and scared the heck outta me, etc.). Then, write down what you did. (I let her go by. Cussed at her in my head. Fighting for my spot in traffic wasn't worth getting killed over.)

3. Say "ouch". Literally. It throws people off. "Ouch?" "Whaddya mean by that?" By saying this it puts the responsibility of the hurtful act on the other person, not you. But, you are taking care of yourself by admitting it hurt, you are angry, etc., just by saying "ouch". That is it. Then, if the offending party wants to talk about it, you can. But, just start with "ouch" and leave it at that. It usually works like a charm!

4. Walk away. You've probably heard this many times. Maybe because it works. Just walk away. If you are in a close or committed relationship, let your friend or partner know that this is what you will do in the future to take care of yourself (not to hurt them---this is about you). And tell them that when you are both calm, not blaming or finger pointing, and when you both feel safe enough, you can 'talk it out'.

5. Own it. No one can make us feel any way. No one is responsible for our anger. Their behaviors can be hurtful, provoking, etc. However, because of who we are and how we process the information, we decide, in milliseconds, whether we will be angry or not. It takes time to recognize this. But, you do have the control.

For more information, if you need assistance on these or other matters, please visit my website at www.breacounseling.com or call me for an appointment at (909) 260-2736.

In the meantime, take care.

Brenda

Are You Being Controlled By Others (Take This Test)

A big complaint I hear among my clients, friends and people I meet in every day life is the issue of feeling controlled by another. The stress of feeling controlled can impact you in many places in your life. Today I'll focus on your relationships.

Do you feel controlled by your spouse or partner, boyfriend or girlfriend? Let's take a look and see:

1. Do you often wonder what his/her reaction will be before you make a decision?
2. Do you second-guess yourself because you're being undermined, criticized or corrected?
3. Do you eventually 'shut down' and 'give in' rather than insisting that your point of view be heard and taken seriously?
4. Do you tend to 'go along with things' to avoid conflicts with your partner?
5. Do you feel 'less than', ignorant, belittled, or depressed when interacting with your partner or spouse?
6. Do your friends or family see a change in you when you are with him/her?
7. Have you been told that "you used to be so much fun...more outgoing...now you just follow what he/she says".
8. Have you lost friends because your spouse or partner complained about or refused to let you see them?
9. Are you 'allowed' to have time away from the relationship and the kids...even if for only a few hours?
10. Do you feel pressured to call your mate and let him/her know where you're going, when you'll be back, etc.? Do you resent having to do it?
11. Does your partner call or text you if you are not home at an exact time?
12. Does your partner check your messages, cell phone, texts, email, etc. without your permission? Does it turn into an argument?
13. Do you have to ask for an allowance or spending money? Do you have to account for every dollar you spend?
14. Are you allowed to have credit in your name?
15. Do you feel undermined in parenting your kids?

If you answered yes to 2 or more of these questions, therapy may help. Issues of control and submission run deep. They don't just go away reading a 'how to' book, in my professional opinion and experience, because the books don't address the underlying issues that are creating the behaviors in the first place.

I'll get back to you on how to break the control/submission cycle. If you need immediate help, call me at (909) 260-2736, and I may be able to provide you with an appointment in my Brea office.

In the meantime, take care.

Brenda

15 Questions To Ask Yourself About Anger

Since this blog is titled "That's Not What I Meant To Say", I think it's about time I wrote about how to identify how you come across when angry.

Here's 15 Questions To Ask Yourself:

1. Do you express anger in a way that overwhelms you and others?
2. Do you raise your voice?
3. Do you use an impatient tone?
4. Do you use dark humor, sarcasm or ridicule?
5. Do others tell you "Your comment really hurt/scared me", etc.?
6. Do you walk away/storm out when people are speaking to you?
7. Do you get angry more often than most people you know?
8. Do you get angrier than is necessary?
9. Do you use threatening language or gestures?
10. Do you hit, throw or kick things, people or animals when you're angry?
11. Do you stay angry, going over and over the incident in your head?
12. Do you hide angry feelings from others or try to suppress your feelings?
13. Do you use alcohol, drugs, work or sex to calm yourself?
14. Do you get muscle tension or a racing heart when you're angry?
15. Does expressing your anger usually leave you feeling worse about yourself or
your partner/spouse or friends/family?

Take a moment to print this out or review the list as is. Without any judgment or self-criticism, answer each question honestly, with just a yes or no. If you have more than 2 yesses, (or if others say they are frightened or intimidated by you), perhaps counseling can help.

I'm happy to provide you with a no-cost, brief phone consultation (at 909-260-2736) if you are in a neighboring area. Also, you can check out my website at http://www.breacounseling.com.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and your relationships. You'll be proud of yourself. And, your family and friends will respect you for it.

Brenda